High School Reunion

On Saturday night, I experienced another adulthood rite of passage, attending my 10 year high school reunion.

Perhaps I'm an anomaly in that my memories of high school are overwhelmingly positive. (Granted, my opinion of the school itself has changed somewhat in the years since.) I had great friends, I did well academically, and I enthusiastically embraced the school's extra-curricular program - if only to get myself out of a few days of school. When I left, Girton Grammar was still quite a small independent school - even with students from all across Regional Victoria, our graduating year 12 class had only 80 students. We were quite close, and despite tight friendship groups within the year level there was almost no-one in I felt I couldn't have a conversation with. As tends to happen in country schools, weekend parties were attended by almost everyone in the year, as well as the year levels above and below, and everyone at the school knew everyone else.

In the ten years since I finished VCE, I've maintained close friendships with a handful of people from school. About half of our graduating class started their tertiary career at The University of Melbourne, so it was almost impossible to walk through the campus without running into someone from home - and from time to time I found this uncomfortable and unwelcome.

Since then though, many of the relationships I formed at school are not as strong as they once were. And how could they be? You make new friends, you get slack, you lose touch... Your plans change, and sometimes moving away from the people you knew helps to get you to where you think you want to go. Thanks to whispers heard second- and third-hand through intersecting social circles, Facebook, and family connections, I had a vague inkling that most of us were still alive, still growing, and still seeing others from our year level.

With this in mind, I was surprised to realise that even ten years later, having not seen quite a few Old Girtonians since graduation, the shared experience of high school is such a strong bond. 

Existing alongside these people at this critical point of our lives, when our fledgling adult identities were just beginning to emerge, creates a strange feeling of familiarity - an intangible sense of knowing - even among those I'd always counted as acquaintances rather than friends. Having seen each other almost daily for a six year period accounts for many a shared memory, and reliving some of these memories brought on a sense of belonging I've rarely experienced in the ten years since.

This feeling was quite unexpected, because when I've visited Bendigo in the years since school, I've felt surprisingly little attachment to the place I called home for most of my childhood. I realise now that my attachment isn't to the places, but the people.

Against my instincts, but at the insistence of my best high school friend, I brought along my husband for the night and I felt like he was getting a crash-course in the formation of Lara. It was almost a relief to have him meet and speak to people who knew me long before he did, like things have become clear to him all of a sudden. And perhaps I make a little more sense... (Although I doubt it.)

Since Saturday night, inevitably, the nostalgia has settled in. I still feel disappointed in myself that I didn't maintain close friendships with the people who knew me best, before I even knew myself. But at the same time, I know those friendships will always be there, because the great thing about high school is that you can never forget it, no matter how much you might like to. 

What Burn Out Feels Like

I wrote in a post late last year that I learned in 2012 that burn out is a real thing. (Read it here.)

Not so long ago, I learned that it has a name too. Hypoadrenia. Also known as Adrenal Fatigue, or sometimes Adrenal Exhaustion. And I learned this the hard way, as my doctor was talking about me when she started throwing big words around.

And what, pray tell, does all that mean then? Well, it means that I finally have a reason for the delightful array of symptoms I've been experiencing over the last 6 or so years. Things like:

• continued fatigue or exhaustion,
• muscle weakness,
• sleep disturbance,
• decreased ability to handle stress, 
• hypertension,
• hypoglycaemia,  
• unusual food cravings,
• weight gain and inability to lose weight, 
• oestrogen/progesterone imbalance,
• chronic anaemia,
• gut irritation causing digestive issues and food allergies.
• trouble sleeping,
• trouble getting out of bed,
• depression and/or anxiety. 

If only it stopped there. I'm only just getting my head around the magnitude of the flow on effects, all of which have their own charming symptoms. One or two of these issues would be challenging enough, and I'm dealing with a whole list. The sum of it is that I've felt pretty ordinary, all the time, for a long time, but up until this point I couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on. I've seen no less than 7 professionals to try and solve the raft of issues I've been dealing with over a period of 6 years. I've been incorrectly diagnosed with depression and anxiety and medicated, taken more bad tasting pills that one person should, been told there's nothing wrong with me, and spent a lot of money.

And believe me, I thought it was all in my head.  It took some digging to find a progressive doctor who could look at the whole picture and work holistically to get to the bottom of it all. My experiences over the last 6 years made me determined to find someone who would be prepared to treat the problem - not just prescribe a pill to fix the symptoms - and wasn't that a challenge! 

So how does this all happen? What causes your adrenal system to go into meltdown?

The short answer is, stress. And as someone who was once described in her teens as "so laid back she's almost comatose" - thanks mum - it is almost unimaginable for me that I'd eventually end up really struggling with chronic stress.

In my case, apparently, things were set in motion in my early twenties when I was faced with a personal trauma that demanded a level of emotional maturity that I was simply unequipped to handle. And instead of dealing with the trauma then and there, I busied myself with finishing uni, getting (several) jobs, starting a Masters (or two), buying houses, starting businesses... You know, life in your twenties.

Unfortunately for me, it looks like the unresolved stress of the original trauma meant my tolerance for new stress was already greatly reduced. This, combined with too-big ambitions and expectations (my own) and an uninformed willingness to subscribe to "the cult of busy" led to chronically elevated stress hormone levels (cortisol), which gradually corroded my body's ability to regulate adrenal and other hormones and started greatly affecting my ability to function, let alone thrive. When my adrenal system could no longer deal with the pressure it started to give way, disrupting my body's whole eco-system in the process.

Prognosis is good though. My body will eventually get back to functioning normally, but recovering from Hypoadrenia takes a long time - beyond two years for chronic cases. I'm still having tests to gauge the severity of my case. There's no quick fix - treatment is pretty much a slow process of really focusing on healthy living - all that stuff they tell us to do, but we mostly ignore. Changing my diet to level out blood sugar, getting lots of sleep, more yoga and meditation rather than high intensity/high stress exercise, much more time in nature... So far so good. But the biggest challenge is eliminating stressors that may be adding to the problem.  

It seems GPs rarely look at stress as a contributor to illness, in spite of widespread evidence that it is starting to have some major impacts. We know lifestyle issues are increasingly contributing to huge levels of chronic illness, but for the most part stress has been ignored while poor diets and sedentary lifestyles are copping most of the blame. 

Despite this, I'd venture a guess that the majority of my high-achieving friends are experiencing some (if not ALL) of the symptoms of prolonged elevated stress levels. According to my doctor, the long term effects used to be called a nervous breakdown - hardly a medical diagnosis, but surely something we want to avoid!

I guess what I'm interested in is how did we get ourselves into this mess in the first place? Why, if stress can have such dramatic effects on our bodies, do we subject ourselves to it? No doubt I'll deal with that in many posts to come. 

In the meantime, I'd love to hear from anyone dealing with similar issues, any cynics, or anyone who'd like to give their opinion really. I just ask that you play nice.

Here come the comments... 

Maiden

My very clever friend Sandi Sieger was tweeting recently about the kinds of comments she gets about the fact that she changed her name when she got married. I totally respect her opinion and her decision, but I thought perhaps I could write a piece explaining why I didn't change mine.

My husband was disappointed to know that I wasn't going to change my name. According to him I'm "smiting" his family. I think (I hope) this is only said in jest. I'm sure if he had a serious issue and just simply couldn't understand my reasons, this would be a whole different piece and it might titled something like "Why I didn't get married".

I should start by saying that for whatever reason I quite like the tradition of taking your partners name. I think it shows solidarity of some kind. I don't know that I agree with it always being the man's name because I think that's a symptom of an outdated and unfair system, although I don't know how keen I am on someone taking my surname either...

Anywho..

Firstly, I like my name. Seeing as I quite like my name I thought it would be nice to hold onto it.

Secondly, I'm one of three girls, and my husband is one of four boys, there are plenty of them around and I have no doubt there will continue to be. I'd like to stick up for the McPhersons (although they're hardly a dying breed) by holding onto a name that is on its way out in my family!

Thirdly, potential confusion with sisters-in-law could be a problem. So far there is already a Laura Goonan. Oddly enough the other Goonan ladies are an Emma Goonan and an Amy - aka Ems and Ames. Tricky. I'll be intrigued to what happens when the final Goonan Wedding  takes place...

Penultimately, as silly as it sounds, there is a brand and a reputation attached to my name. People know me as Lara McPherson. And the mechanics of changing @laramcpherson and laramcpherson.com and all the other place my name lives in its original format to something else wore my brain out.

Finally and fundamentally, I find the idea of a maiden name problematic. Its not like I've been just existing in beta for 27 years, waiting for some man to come along so that I could scrap my temporary surname (the name of my father) and take up the surname of the man who would determine my identity for the remainder of my life. I've already existed as a fully fledged real life person for a long time, and I don't like the idea of abandoning that part of my identity as if it never existed. The idea of everyone I've known up to this point now knowing me as something different forever more seems odd to me.

Ok, over to you ladies and gents. To change, or not to change? Why or why not?

Do What You LOVE

Prompted by a post by Samantha Bell on The Global Economy and following on from my Voxself post, I thought I'd put some intersecting thoughts down on virtual paper.

In present day Australia, and particularly in Melbourne, we're incredibly fortunate to live in a place and time where we enjoy far more freedom and opportunity than almost all who have come before us. We're affluent, we're upwardly mobile, we're educated and we're connected. 

Thanks to a vast array of self-publishing options available to us - many of which you can see I'm making full use of by the number of blue icons in the right hand corner - we can share our opinions with the kinds of audiences that would have been unfathomable not so many years ago. 

I've been doing this for some years now, but I feel like I've been following opportunity - accidentally finding myself somewhere I didn't quite want to be. Last year was challenging for me. I wore myself out working on projects with no financial or emotional pay off. Though they mostly started as personal projects, I realised I was persevering out of obligation to others until my friend Kate gave me a good talking to. I learned some valuable lessons. But this year, I'd like to devote my energy to doing exactly what I want to do, hopefully creating value for others in the process.

In her post, Sam calls it defining your niche. It is an iterative process - your niche will grow and change as you evolve as an individual. The time has never been better than NOW to do exactly what you LOVE doing.

So that's what I'm doing.

I’m Lara. I’m a writer and researcher. I'm interested in how ethics and economics intersect at both macro and micro levels.

I'm interested in people - why we do what's easy, instead of what’s good. Why we do what we do and how we can do it better.

Much of my work looks at how we consume and how our personal attitudes and behaviours are informed by big systems (like policy, media, social trends, provenance, history). I want to understand how we can harness these forces to help people make decisions that are better for them as individuals and us collectively.

I hope what I have to say will be challenging, interesting and wholely my own perspectives. And I hope you'll stop by here occasionally to visit and tell me what YOU think.

What's your niche? Do you actively look at what you can offer that's different to anyone else?

Wedded

In October last year I married a wonderful man named Marcus surrounded by 70 of our nearest and dearest. We were married in Victoria's High Country, just down the road from where Marcus family have lived and farmed for five generations. I wasn't convinced I should share these here, but the setting was sublime and the photos by Caz Whitehead and video by Kealey Nutt from Eleven & Twelve are too good not to share.

Voxself

I received a delightful email from former Fairfax Fashion Editor Janice Breen Burns yesterday, telling me that her new fashion commentary website Voxfrock is now up and running. I've long been a fan of Jan's writing and perspective, but I'm very much looking forward to reading her work now that she is able to express it more freely than she might have otherwise on someone else's masthead.

One of the great perks of self publishing is exactly that - you're your own publisher, you're not accountable to anyone else. Your own opinion can flourish, without being edited by the agendas of others. Now don't get me wrong, this is fraught with issues too (hello, twitter trolls), but it does allow us, the people, a great deal more say.

Much has been made of the move away from traditional print publications to online, particularly in Jan's sphere of fashion. I see this new style of independance as being increasingly critical in a media landscape full of vested interests and obscured corporate agendas. Call me crazy, but I can't help feel that transparent and honest communications on issues as they relate to PEOPLE rather than CORPORATIONS is an important part of a democractic system and critical to the way our society operates.

Yesterday also marked the final time Jan's former employer The Age will distribute their print publication in its extended format, giving way to the bulk of content being delivered online, supplemented by a smaller midweek print run. The end of an era for many, including a number of staff.

As incomprehensible as it may seem for the likes of The Age (or fashion equivalent Vogue) to no longer hold such strong influence, there will likely be a time in the future where print publications simply don't exist. The balance of influence has already shifted percetibly. Small, agile publications (bloggers, tweeters, independent online platforms) are fast gaining ground on their larger, burocratic cousins and threatening to overrun things.

Case in point: i don't watch the news. I don't read the papers (except Saturday's Age, despite the fact it isn't as good as it once was). I subscribe to a selection of niche, mostly independent print publications. I read a great deal of online content - from large and small publishers and persons of interest. My opinions are not being formed by the publications folks once relied on for their connection with the world at large. I publish my own content on several different channels including this one.

Does this mean that I, as a self publisher, should be held to the same ethical standards as these larger outlets (once were)? That means transparency, honesty, balanced opinion, critical thinking, full disclosure. To me, the answer is yes.

This gives me a great deal more responsibility - to read widely, to think carefully and to navigate my way purposefully through the maze of content available to me. It means I need to be much more active as a consumer and creator of content. It means investigating, forming my own opinions - independent of opinions of those I'm reading - and thinking critically. 

The age of passive consumption has passed - of media and everything else. I hope others will take this opportunity become more active in the way they (and others) view their world, the information they consume and share, and the way they participate in the society they inhabit.

Are you a self publisher or an active media consumer? Do you take this seriously? Or should we forget about that and just keep babbling?

Streamlining

Towards the end of last year, I wrote about focus.

Until now though, I've been unable to really cull from my burgeoning "project list" like I should. I've been unwilling to sever the strong emotional connections I've developed to some of the enterprises I'd been incubating, some of them for quite some time now.

After a very well timed conversation with my dear friend Kate, I'm going to try and do it properly. Streamline, that is.

It means being quite ruthless with what I spend my time on. I know that what I'm really interested in is Systems. The big stuff. I want to understand how the big stuff impacts on the smaller stuff, the personal stuff. So I've decided I'm going to focus on this in a real way.

This might look like a slight change in direction. It means some of the projects I'd been planning to spend time on this year will have to be put on the bench for a while. I think this is for the best though - probably for the eventual success of these projects and certainly for my effectiveness and mental health!

Already, I feel like this is a great load off my chest. I feel much more free to dive into the areas I'm truly interested in pursuing. In depth.

This might mean my areas of interest could appear to have shifted. It could be temporary, or permanent. But I need to have a real go at these things and figure out where I stand.

I hope you'll still call by occasionally and visit.

Dancing With the Corpse

The problem is that economy is now toxed out. Radioactive. Crawling with paper vermin and all manner of vermin, especially toxic derivatives - about $1.4 quadrillion worth (even as we are still trying to get used to hearing the term trillions), according to the Bank of National Settlements. That is 1,000 trillion, or $190,000 for every human being on the planet. There is not now, and never will be, enough wealth to cover that puppy, because there is not enough natural world under the puppy to create it. Not the way capitalism creates wealth.

Defenders of capitalism who say it can and must be saved must also admit that there is not enough money left to work with, to invest. There is only debt. Oh, yeah, we forgot; debt is wealth to a banker. Well then, all we gotta do is collect $190,000 per head from people in Sudan and Haiti and the rest of the planet.

- Joe Bageant - view full essay

A Few Things I Learned in 2012

I wrote this a little while ago, but I was worried I sounded jaded and cynical. But after reading this I’ve decided I should publish it anyway.

2012 has been interesting for me. Challenging in many ways, but also enlightening. Hopefully I’ve grown - personally and professionally.

I’ve learned a few harsh lessons. Which are:

If you work for the love of it, and you lose the love, you’re not left with much.
Some of you may also know this as don’t work for free. I worked on some emotionally challenging projects this year. At times, I felt used, exhausted, resentful and unvalued. What I learned is that I will never work for love again, unless it is on my own projects.

Everyone is in it for themselves.
And most likely they don’t give a shit about you, your bank balance, your feelings or your reputation. They want what they want and if you can’t provide it, they’ll toss you and find someone who can. Unless you’re creating value, you’re not valuable.

Kudos doesn’t pay your bills.
Though I’ve benefitted from some lovely pats on the back this year, you can’t pay your bills with kind words and it is another thing entirely to convert positive sentiment to cold hard cash. Clue: You need to DO SOMETHING.

Fragmented focus leads to burn out / Burn out is a real thing.
Fear of missing out and chronic control freak tendencies have left me feeling utterly worn out this year. And while I may not yet have figured out exactly what it is I’m good at, I’ve found things I love doing, and others that I don’t so it hasn’t been for nothing.

I can’t do everything, but I can do something.
I am limited. There are some things (many, in fact) that I am just not good at. Attempting to solve all the world’s problems on my own is sure to lead to insanity. However, doing what I can to the best of my ability is sure to lead to satisfaction, both personally and professionally.

And the best bits:

I’m very lucky to be married to such an incredible man.
Don’t know what he sees in me, but I’m sure glad he sees something.

Delayed gratification is the definition of maturity.
For all her whining, Carrie Bradshaw was right about one thing. And also, doing things for the benefit of others will bring you more happiness and satisfaction than being self involved ever can.

A little bit of perspective changes everything.
Learn to think of yourself from outside your little patch of the world. Then see if you like what you see.

Support comes from where you least expect it.
At periods this year when I’ve really needed support, I have found it from the most unexpected of avenues. As I now know, its when you’re going through a challenging time that you find out who your real friends are. They’re the ones you should hold on to.

I’d rather be farming.
The absolute simplicity of growing your own food, and sitting outside all of the bullshit, is the one biggest thing I’m looking forward to - the light at the end of the tunnel. And I can’t wait.

ENFP

Someone asked me last week what my Myers-Briggs Personality Types is. Cynical as I am about pop psychology, I don’t normally go in for this sort of thing. I had vague recollections of being tested in my final years of high school, and only because I was apparently one of the most extroverted people of 200 or so in our year 11 and 12. Hmmm….

Curious, I did the test again. And it returned a resounding result of ENFP. And if you believe this summary, it is pretty damn on point.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They’re constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP’s life, and because they are focused on keeping “centered”, the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

Particularly in the context of my family (none of whom are ENFPs, trust me, I tested them all), this makes an immense amount of sense. My parents couldn’t figure out where my strong sense of values, and what’s right and wrong came from, as they’re both more interested in the outcome. Now I know it is just how I am.

It isn’t all sunshine and roses though.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

I’ve been aware of this for a while, and become extremely conscious of my tendency to move on to something new if I’m uninspired by what I’m working on. In some senses it is a relief to know it is an inherent personality type so I can now look to working on it. I’ve noticed too, sometimes I’m so excited about the possibilities that I don’t want to actually DO anything to jeopardise things, in case they don’t work out as well as I hope they might. It is a nice reminder that I need to put as much energy into carrying through with things, than as getting excited about the possibilities, to make sure possibilities are realised.

Any other Myers-Briggs insights? Any fellow ENFPs out there with some great tips?

Off Grid

With all that’s been going on for the last couple of months I’ve been very lazy with my use of social media.

I can’t decide if I care about this or not.

On the one hand, I know the value of good social media use. On the other hand, I feel like I’m at the point where I want to use social media only when it serves me - in a way that is unobtrusive and authentic (ie, not premeditated.)

I’ve had lots of conversations with my friend Kate about how social media’s real value is as a tool for increasing in person, real life, meaningful engagement. (She’s doing great things in this realm with The Fetch.) And I feel like I’m at a good place in this regard.

But does that mean I’m ignoring the vast amount of value beyond this?

The thing is, I feel like I know why I’ve been keeping my digital distance. The issue is though, I don’t quite know how to resolve it.

Stay tuned.

A Good Year

Yesterday I was so overwhelmed with all the work I need to get through, that instead I watched a film. Yeah. I know. No gold star for me on the productivity front.

The film was A Good Year. Nothing groundbreaking. A sweet tale of the good things in life triumphing over the trivial things we all think we want. Russell Crowe was ever charismatic, and Marion Cotillard was charming, demanding and very french. And there was a surprise appearance by Australian Abbie Cornish.

It has kind of thrown me for a loop though. I thought I was getting my head sorted - focusing on the priorities at hand and working through my very handy (and ever present) to do list. Trying to remind myself not to get caught up in the bigger things I want to do, and ignoring my growing bucket list. For now, at least.

But watching Russell (aka Max) live out my lifelong dream - settling on an old chateau in Provence to make wine - was like poking an almost healed wound. It has brought my wanderlust rushing back, it made my crave some quality time at our farm (permanent if possible), and it made me mentally start reconfiguring my to resemble Russell and Marion’s fantasy existence.

I can’t even explain how this feels.

I know reality is never like it seems to be in the movies, but it reminded me in a very real way that there is an alternative to feeling like a hamster on a wheel or whatever the saying is.

I remember a while ago now, when I told my very conservative businessman father that I wanted to leave my job to work on projects I was passionate about, he said to me “I don’t see how that will make you any money”, and I wanted to scream at him, “That’s not the effing point!”

And it isn’t the point. For me at least. It seems there’s a generation gap here. And it probably has to do with the fact that we’ve always had it good, and our parents have always wanted us to have it good, so they’ve always wanted to provide for us financially. In essence, we’re spoilt. We’re also more socially and environmentally aware, overqualified and underexperienced, and hyper connected to the way the global economy works. In a sense, it is inevitable.

And now, my dad tells me he’s not longer enjoying work. He wants to retire and become a farmer. Isn’t it funny how things come full circle?

There must be a balance somewhere. Is having a personally and financially fulfilling life a figment of our collective imaginations?

Am I deluded in thinking, that as soon as Marcus and I are married (less than 2 weeks from now), we can happily make ourselves at home on our farm, grow vegies, drink wine and be happy? Why is it that this simple life is so unattainable for so many of us? What else is there that’s more important?

Busy

But we get busy. Too busy scrolling our phone screens, watching TV, catching up with all the mundane shit in life and we forget about our dreams. We say things like “I don’t have time,” and when we get frustrated that we don’t have enough time, we assuage that feeling of impotence by buying shit we don’t need, which we think will make us feel better. Granite countertops, leather sofas, sometimes skis, climbing gear or bikes we never use. Maybe that’s because we’re scared of whatever it is we’ve been thinking about for so long, or maybe it’s easier to buy something instead of doing something. Or maybe something we saw told us our dream was something different, and we bought into that.

Source

This really resonates with me. I posted something about the cult of busy on facebook this week.

I am certainly not immune to this - far from it - but I feel like I have a few friends who are constantly too busy to catch up, but I see LOTS of social media activity, all the time. Call me crazy, but I'd rather quality over quantity - engaging one on one with real people, than knowing a lot of people on the surface.

For me it comes down to prioritising what you want your life to be about. Sure you can spend all your time and money on things that don't really matter, or you can take things slow, spend quality time with the people you love, spend less on things you think you need so you'll have money left over for the important things like travel and lifechanging experiences.

Sure, if you want to live in a million dollar house, retire at 50 so you can play lots of golf you have to work long hours and climb to the top. But you just might die at 49.

So instead, why not work less, spend less and enjoy every year of your life, rather than holding out until you're old to quit the job you hate, the one you're only working so you can buy things you don't need to impress people who don't like you.

Coz I can tell you for certain, that at the end of your life, it won't be not quite making a big deal that you'll regret. It will be not taking enough time to enjoy what life is really about, spending time with your family and those most important to you, pursuing your dreams, making real emotional connections and expanding your mind.

That said, who am I to decide for everyone what's important in life? I'm just a kid.

Creative Role Models

As I continue my search for the perfect work/life balance or whatever it is I'm searching for, I've found myself paying particular attention to a handful of people who set a great example to me for a career/study/work path I'd like to emulate.What I've noticed about each of these people is that they almost make a point of going against the grain. They do what isn't expected, challenge the norm, and seem to enjoy life an awful lot for it. Straying outside the safe way of doing things may seem risky, but the potential reward is so great. I've commented on this before, but I might leave more discussion on that for another post I have brewing...

For now, here's my current list.

James Franco

Though some discount him as yet another slashie - model/actor/director/etc - I really admire his love for information, creativity and pursuit of projects that aren't necessarily popular, as well as for his passion for education. He might be odd in some ways and he will no doubt continue to have his detractors, but for my mind, he is one of the most interesting personalities in Hollywood. He could have just as easily relied on his good looks like many others, but instead he continues to push the envelope and follows his creative instincts, whether or not they lead him to sound business pursuits or not. I hope I can create a body of work that is as varied as James, and I hope I rack up as many degrees as he has managed to.

Marieke Hardy

As literature lover, writer, radio and television personality, and creator of her own projects like Women of Letters with writer Micheala McGuire, Marieke's strong opinions, creative drive and likeable nerdiness give me hope that a love of reading might turn out to lead to a viable career path. What I admire in Marieke is that she makes no apologies for being intelligent, opinionated and a little offbeat, and she manages to do it in a way that is mostly entertaining and rarely offensive. She seems to be the kind of person who would be fun to collaborate with - generous, good at thinking out of the box and good for a giggle. She is also a great strong, female role model who embraces personality traites some women seem to shy away from.

Mirka Mora

A true Melbourne treasure, Mirka feels like the last bastion of a long lost era. An unashamed and unrelenting bohemian, she continues to live life filled with creativity, hedonism and authenticity, well into her eighties. I've come across her several times and it has been such a joy to converse in french with her, and to witness her utter joy and love of life first hand. If nothing else, I hope I continue to live my life with such passion and enthusiasm as I age. It seems to me, she has managed to transpose french life successfully to Melbourne, and I think I'd like to follow her example in that too.

Lena Dunham

This young lady is a pretty formidable creative powerhouse at just 26, having written and directed Tiny Furniture two years ago, and written, directed and starred in Girls to great acclaim. It hasn't all be rosy, with Lena copping plenty thanks to the fact that she doesn't filter her version of reality to have it comply with what some may think it should. Plus, she looks vastly different to most of Hollywood, and isn't shy about the fact that she's young, female, opinionated and clearly quite driven. With such an impressive body of work already, I can't help but feel I have a bit of catching up to do.

Zan Rowe

For a long time, I wanted to be the Music Director at Triple J. And great as Richard Kingsmill is, eventually I decided Zan was more awesome, more enthusiastic and with better hair. What I love about Zan is that she seems to walk the fine line between LOVING her job, and still be impossibly cool about having the best job in the world. Plus, she makes no apologies for being intelligent, informed, articulate and female. To me, she's a great antidote to an exhaustingly sceney industry, filled with too-cool kids, without inspiration or aspiration. And happily, she seems to see through those types, in as nice a way as possible.

Beyonce Knowles

I can't think of a woman more well known, or more in control of her brand and image. Her creative pursuits stretch across film, fashion and digital, and are anchored by her musical output. For me, Beyonce signifies a new breed of feminism - strong and sexy while remaining classy and in control. She's been in the public spotlight for what seems like forever, and has managed to deliver everything she's done to a high level of quality. With a phenomenally influential husband and a new baby, I'm intrigued to see where things will go next.

Do you have career/life/work role models? Who are they? Why do you aspire to be like them?

Release

Following earlier posts about me finding myself over committed (again), and flustered (again), a few things have risen to the surface. Some really lovely people have sent useful links, thoughts, comments, and resources through. I really, really appreciate your help in finding my way.I'm really enjoying the process of posting here, talking out loud. But if my catharsis is bothering you, my apologies and please feel free to move on.

I've noted below a few concepts/themes that are really resonating for me, as I recalibrate and set my intentions for the remainder of the year, and ongoing. I hope they are also useful for those of you who have told me you're going through similar things, or those of you who are quietly struggling alone.

What overload looks like

I came across a list of things that occur when you're overloading via my old gym, of all places. Though I think these are intended to be applied to your exercise regime, they are definitely applicable here.

• You’ve stopped enjoying things you normally love
• You feel tired most of the time
• You feel overwhelmed or out of control
• You find it hard to relax

Idleness is not a dirty word

Bertrand Russell wrote about it in "In praise of idleness". Life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. Take time to smell the roses, to do what really matters to you, and to do nothing. The chances of the important things being the same things you're paid to do, unfortunately, are not high. But do them anyway.

I'm going to strive not to be "busy". Busy is not the same as effective. Busy does not make me happy. Busy does not bring out my best work, or the best of me as a person. And it certainly does not allow me to bring out the best in others.

Less is more

Putting all (or most) of your energy into one project makes it much more likely to succeed. According to this incredibly insightful article, "When we really have clarity of purpose, it leads to success." This is the first step. People with a singular focus are often the ones who achieve those really incredible things we're astounded by.

Things that no longer serve you will disappear

Jan Stewart told me this one a while ago. All too often, I'm reluctant to let go of things, even after I know they're no longer working for me. As Jan says, if you practice mindfulness, you'll notice things you no longer need (even subconsciously) will leave your life.

Fear of mediocrity

I've realised slowly that perhaps the reason I'm working myself into such a state, what I'm really afraid of, is being average. I want to live a remarkable life and to achieve something. I'm beginning to unpack this and I think I'm starting to understand why and what it all means. No doubt there will be more on this.

Limited diversity

Geoff Dyer said, "Have more than one idea on the go at any one time. If it's a choice between writing a book and doing nothing I will always choose the latter. It's only if I have an idea for two books that I choose one rather than the other." He may be talking about writing, but I feel like this is true for any one working on their own projects. Too many though, and it becomes far too easy to avoid things when they become too challenging. (More tips for writers here.)

Love is all around

Many people around me are facing similar challenges to what I'm sorting through at the moment. More still have been through it and come out the other side. There is an endless amount of wisdom to draw on. And there are so many amazing people willing to share it with me.

Happy weekend.

The media model

For my final Masters (Commerce/Sustainable Practice) Essay, I'm looking at the media and what influence it has on driving sustainable consumption behaviour.As an industry, the media is driven my the sale of advertising, which in turn relies on the sale of products (or services).

For the purposes of this essay, I'm positing that the simplest of sustainable consumption behaviour is buying less.

• How then, can an industry that is dependent on people buying more, support or encourage the reverse? 
• How does the current business model for the media industry limit our shift to more sustainable levels of consumption?
• What impact will the shift to online or independent media have?
• How does the social responsibility of the media play a role here?
• Does social responsibility exist in the media?
• What does this look like in Australia/elsewhere?

More to come.

Bucket List

Keeping my eyes on the horizon. Here are a list of things I want to do/see. Soon.

Physical challenges
A marathon
Tough Mudder
Colour Run
Bikram 30 day Challenge
Bikram Teacher Training
Triathlon

Travel
El Camino de Santiago
India Trip
North Africa Trip -morocco, tunisia, algeria
Le Grand Tour through Europe
South and Central America - machu picchu, incan and mayan ruins
Central Australian Communities
Northern Lights
Scandinavia
Egypt

Personal
Write a book
Live overseas again, but properly, as an expat
Make my own cider
Do my PhD
10 day Vipassana
Live on our farm
Be an international aid volunteer
Own a piano

I’m sure I’ll think of more. But here’s a start.

Everyday Heroism

At uni this morning my lecturer spoke about how being aware of all the big things we can do to make a difference environmentally becomes overwhelming at times. Sometimes you need to remember the small actions you can take.

This is so timely given discussions that have been happening in other parts of the internets (read my posts below) between people working for social good.

We were prompted to list the small heroic things we can do to make a difference in our own lives.

For me, when it all gets too much, I think of Curracloe Farm. I think about how great it will be living off the grid and connected to nature, our food and the way we live at a level I think very few people who live in the city really are.

I think about riding my bike, walking through nature, spending time in our vegie garden, cooking beautiful food, reading and writing about things that really matter to me. I think about having deep connections with people who really care about the big stuff, and who are doing small things to affect change.

And I think about how I wish I was there now.

Read some of my recent posts about this:

10 days ago: http://laramcpherson.com/2012/08/21/what-should-i-be-when-i-grow-up/

Last week: http://laramcpherson.com/2012/08/24/learning/

Today: http://laramcpherson.com/2012/09/01/jugglingstruggling/

I’d welcome any constructive feedback.

Juggling/Struggling

Anyone who has been plugged into conversations happening online and offline in the last couple of weeks will know that things seem to be shifting somewhat of late.Many people I admire and respect a great deal, people I consider to be doing amazing things for the greater good, have confessed that the challenge has become overwhelming. This honesty and vulnerability has prompted a range of reactions from people in similar situations, and those who aren't.

I wrote about my own experiences here and here. But I'm feeling today that perhaps I wasn't honest enough with where I'm at. I've decided I need to be really clear on how I'm feeling. And I'm certainly not intending to glorify this or say that my process is any better or worse than anyone else's. I'm simply talking aloud here and trying to figure things out for myself, and I'm hoping to benefit from the insights of others who are going through or who have been through something similar. If you're sick of hearing me talk about myself, my process and my life, I don't blame you. But if you don't have anything constructive to contribute I'd respectfully ask that you quietly move on and avoid making this harder for me than it already is. I don't want to paint too dire or too self-adulatory a picture here. I'm just trying to figure some things out.

The truth is - I'm completely overwhelmed. It has hit me like a sledge hammer this week. I am burnt out. I am so exhausted from juggling competing priorities for too long. A lovely friend wrote something about me recently and said the following: "If Lara McPherson somehow acquired more than ten fingers and thumbs, there is no doubt she would be cramming them into multiple creative pies at the same time." I hope it was intended as a compliment, but the truth is I cannot keep so many fingers in so many pies.

I think I've finally figured out what has happened and how I have arrived at this point.

1. I'm an intelligent person. I have always done well academically, despite minimal effort. I'm interested in everything. I love learning, either in a traditional educational setting, or in a self driven way. I have always loved reading. Anything. I listen to podcasts - on history, social theory, business, literature, science, food, environment, wellness, travel, whatever I can get my hands on - all the time. At the gym, at work, and when I'm falling asleep. I want to know everything about everything. Or at least something about everything.

2. I'm a creative. I am constantly coming up with new projects to pursue. I thrive on inspiration but I struggle to work without it. I'm also easily bored, bad at finishing what I start. One of my greatest assets (and liabilities) is creating connections and seeing opportunities. I think perhaps this is a virtue of the fact that my interests spread across so many areas and industries. More than anything I love thinking strategically about the way things can be improved.

3. I am unsatisfied with the way things are done. I see injustices, imbalances and impracticalities with the way the world works and I instinctively feel it is my job to change things. In particular, my concerns centre on the way we consume, the way the media works, how little people think for themselves and take on the accepted wisdom, our education system and the current economic paradigm. These are BIG areas to try and tackle, on your own or with a whole heap of people. But I'm only just figuring out that I might not be able to change everything I want to.

4. I have a chronic fear of missing out and I'm prone to choice anxiety. If I have an idea, I hate the idea of hanging it off to someone else to see it realised. Perhaps that means I'm selfish. But also, the idea of missing out on a chance to learn something, to meet people, to find a new opportunity does not sit well with me. At all. So what I tend to do instead is try and do everything. But the reality is you can only juggle so many things at once. And fewer still if you want to do any of them well.

5. I also have a chronic need to please people. I'm not quite sure where this comes from - I'd say it probably has to do with my relationship with my Dad - but it feels really important to me that people like me. This means I'm likely to promise the world to people, even if I can not actually deliver it. The idea of being "too generous" seems ridiculous to me, but I'm getting my head around the fact that I am - and often. Mostly, I give my time too freely and it comes back to haunt me.

6. I'm irrationally optimistic. And for the most part I think this is a good way to be. Though as my previous point might illustrate, it actually doesn't really occur to me very often that things might not work out for the best. I always think the best of people, it doesn't occur to me that everyone isn't in it for the right reasons. I've been incredibly fortunate in my life, and I suppose I have no reason not to think this. But reality dictates that everything isn't right all the time.

7. I'm an organiser. I love people. I love bringing my favourite people together. I also like things how I like them. So rather than jumping on board someone else's idea, I'm always more inclined to organise something of my own - this applies to things like my businesses, my netball team, my running group, and a million other examples. I think it goes back to me wanting to please people. Maybe it is just that I want the pat on the back that comes with it?

8. Money doesn't drive me. My parents have always been comfortable financially, and it never occurred to me that I might not be. The idea of getting a job I don't enjoy to pay the bills feels exactly opposed to my values. In fact I've done it, and I hated it. I don't know that I could bring myself to do it again. My attitude to money means I'm good at spending and bad at saving, because I assume more will always come along - irrational optimism as fiscal policy.

9. I am always on. Because I do what I love, delineation between my work and personal life is non-existant. I'm extremely bad at compartmentalising my life. This means my work and personal relationships collide, my work and personal finances collide, my digital presence serves both work and personal functions. This makes it incredibly hard to step away from work when I need to to focus on my personal life.

10. I like round numbers. Or more specifically, numbers divisible by 5. This is actually a real thing about me. I also like lists.

The culmination of all of these factors looks something like this:

I am involved in a long list of projects, but I feel like I'm doing nothing well. I spend so much time in my head thinking about how to manage competing priorities that I am mentally exhausted. I love starting new projects, but usually I burn out or run out of inspiration before I can see any of them through to completion. I feel like I'm working my bum off, but I'm not actually illustrating my true capacity which is incredibly frustrating. I feel like I've been plugging away for a while now, but that I have almost nothing to show for it and I'm not getting to where I think I want to go. I don't have a good grasp of what my real skills are, because I'm so used to trying to do everything. I love setting goals (with the best of intentions) but I lack the perseverance and persistance to see them realised. I am passionate about many things, but I forget that I cannot be everything to everyone.

What the above list and this outline of my current situation tell me is that I need to do a complete reassessment of how I've been operating.

I'm not 100% clear on how to approach this, but I think I have a few ideas on how to get started. Here's another list.

1. Cull - aka focus. I need to get extremely selective about what I'm involved in professionally. This probably means there will be several people reading this who I may have to have difficult conversations with in the next couple of weeks. I hope that they recognise that this is probably a good thing for them, and it definitely is for me.

2. Become good at something - I think I have an inkling as to what this might be, but now is the time to specialise in it. Absorb myself completely in one thing. Just writing that now feels like such a relief.

3. Be clear about my value - I have been far too inclined to do work for free or for contra. But this is not the path to financial sustainability and it certainly won't pay for my much needed holiday. I need to get into the habit of clarifying the terms of any work arrangement I enter into before I take it on.

4. Take time to reflect and appreciate - I tend to get too caught up in the doing to spend time thinking about what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. Just starting to write things down in the last few weeks has been amazing. Sorry if you're sick of reading about it, but having it here is helping me too much for me to stop it.

5. Focus on my physical and mental health - my mind and body have taken a beating in the last few years. Stress and anxiety have wreaked havoc on my hormones, which has impacted on my weight, fitness, self esteem, mood, emotional stability, and even my sleep. (I never thought I would say that.) For too long now, I have ignored the signs of physical and mental exhaustion and managed to get by on caffeine and carbohydrates. But my body cannot handle this anymore so I need to make my health a priority to ensure I'm reaching my full potential.

Well, that's a start. I would love to hear from any of you who have words of wisdom to share. I know there is a wealth of knowledge in the community and I'm choosing now to make the most of it if it is available.

Today is the first day of spring and it is a beautiful day in Melbourne. Life is good and I feel extremely fortunate to have so many inspiring, supportive people around me.

Sustainable Consumption and the Fashion Press

For my final semester in the Master of Sustainable Practice at RMIT, I'm looking into if and how the fashion and mainstream press help communicate the message of sustainable consumption.Much of my work involves looking at reasons why or why not "the system" will support or encourage us to move to more sustainable models of consumption. The media has been the point of a great deal of investigation, as it seems to be an almost insurmountable obstacle to us truly understanding the impacts of our current levels of consumption.

In a recent discussion with my class mates, I raised the issue of just how at odds the message of sustainable consumption (ie, consume less) is with the mainstream media business model that is driven my advertising revenue, which is dependent on sales.

This has come up in conversations many times of late, and we've seen the emergence of new media models like The Conversation, which is not driven by advertising sales, and is instead funded by a group of universities.

I anticipate that I will post much more on this in the coming weeks as I finalise my article for assessment. In the meantime though, I'd love to hear of any example of the mainstream press and fashion media spreading the sustainable consumption message.

Get in touch.